* * *
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
* * *
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* * *
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
* * *
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
* * *
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
* * *
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
* * *
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* * *
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* * *
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* * *
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
* * *
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
* * *
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
* * *
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says 'in an emergency, notify,' I put 'A DOCTOR'.
* * *
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
* * *
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
* * *
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
* * *
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
