Jokes

The jokes here are intended to give you a smile, if you find anything offensive, please stop reading it...

Animal Jokes

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You’ll feel so much healthier!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you’ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

* * *

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?""Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

* * *

A rabbit hops into a butchers' shop and says "have you got any cabbages?"
The butcher says that he doesn't sell cabbages and the rabbit hops off. The next day the same rabbit hops into the same butchers and says, "have you got any cabbages?"
The butcher, getting annoyed, says "look I told you yesterday - I'm a butcher, I don't sell cabbages, now go away!"
The rabbit hops off. But the next day it hops into the butchers again and again asks "have you got any cabbages?"
The butcher, really annoyed now, snaps "No I haven't got any damn cabbages! If you come in here again asking for cabbages I'm will nail your ears to the floor!"
The rabbit is scared by this and quickly hops out the door.
The next day it hops into the butchers and asks "have you got any nails?"
The butcher replies angrily, "NO" “Okay,” says the rabbit with a grin, "what about cabbages?"

* * *

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued:"May I ask what the chicken did?"

* * *

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

* * *

After taking his seat on a plane, a mild mannered young man was startled to see a parrot strapped in next to him. Choosing to ignore the bird, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee. "And get me a damned whiskey, now!" the parrot ordered rudely. A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, but no coffee. "Hey, stupid," the parrot cried out after draining his glass, "another whiskey!" Again, the attendant hurried to bring the parrot his drink but forgot the coffee. Upset at being ignored, the man decided to try the parrots approach. "Hey, you!" he yelled at the attendant. "Coffee now or you'll never work for this bloody airline again!".A moment later, a burley co-pilot came over, grabbed the man and the parrot and tossed them out of the plane door. As they plunged downward, the parrot turned to the man and said: "You know what, for somebody that can't fly, you're a right cheeky sod!".

* * *

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic. A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

Bar Jokes

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"
The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."
"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.
The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"

* * *

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"



Genie Jokes

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf and were teeing off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened.
When they peeked inside the house, the found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a Genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for and income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The Genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The Genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the Genie and wife were finished, the Genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The Genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, 31 years old." The Genie then asked, "And he still believes in this Genie stuff?"

* * *

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times."One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I came across this old ruined cottage, and it was getting dark, so I decided to stay overnight.I found an old lamp, and as I wiped some of the dirt off it, a Genie appeared, in the form of a beautiful woman.
She said, "You have released me from centuries of misery, I grant you three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make love with you, right here and right now."
She nodded, the cottage turned into a luxurious bedroom ... We made love for hours!
Later, as we lay there next to each other, relaxing after our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

Holiday Jokes

One particular Christmas season, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys everywhere. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
... And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Police Jokes

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?""No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

* * *

The phone rings at FBI headquarters."Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!""Thank you very much for the call, sir."The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.The phone rings at the neighbors house. "Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?""Yep.""Did they chop your firewood?""Yep.""Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

* * *

A man bought a brand new Porche and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 120 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him."There's no way they can catch a Porche," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car."It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "My nagging wife ran off with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

* * *

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing,nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick.
She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how toshut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Political Jokes

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!


Professional Jokes


While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea.
The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

* * *

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.
"Doc," he said, "I've got a problem. Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. Every time I go to bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor ran into Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so?" with an attitude he asked, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you? "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. - Ain't nobody under there now!"

* * *

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes Sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.
"The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied

* * *

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could to run the business for him.The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, John asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." John got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." John again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. John was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
John was delighted, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

Relationship Jokes

A husband and his wife were having problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The man realized he would have to be woken up at 5:00AM by his wife the next morning, which means he would have to break the silent treatment (and LOSE).So he decided to write a note to her, and put it where he knew she would find it.The next morning he woke up to find out it is 9:00AM, he missed his flight!He started getting up, just to find a note beside his bed that said "Its 5:00AM, you have to get up!"

* * *

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally woke, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."

* * *

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.""Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging.And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?""He said you're going to die," she replied.

* * *

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.“Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a beautiful woman with breasts as lovely as yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”


Religious Jokes

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked."No, I didn't!" said the drunk.The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?""No, I did not Reverend."The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

* * *

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no toilet paper on this side either.

* * *

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.
They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape,Eva applies another iron. "I can't spend eternity like that," says Clinton. "Show me something else."
Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper."Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more. "I can't spend eternity like that, either," says Clinton. "Show me something better."
Satan takes Bill to the last door.Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex.
Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me."
Satan smirks and says "Good choice, Mr. President."He looks down at Monica and says..."You can get up now, Honey. We've finally found your replacement!"

* * *

At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."
God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.
God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."
Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

* * *

After suffering a heart attack and having quadruple bypass surgery, a man woke up to find himself in a Catholic hospital with nuns taking care of him. As they nursed him back to health, one of the nuns asked him if he had health insurance.
"No," he replied, "No health insurance."
"Do you have any money in the bank?" asked the nun.
"No. No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have any relatives you could ask for help?"
The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
At this the nun because irritated. "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"
"OK, then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

* * *
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
The Pope was still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

* * *

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

* * *
As man is out driving along a back country highway and passes a sign which reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY - HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES
He thinks that it was a figment of his imagination and drives on.
Soon, he sees another sign that says:
SISTERS OF MERCY - HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives a little farther on and sure enough, there is a third sign:
SISTERS OF MERCY - HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot he sees a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY - HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a beautiful nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?
''I saw your signs posted while I was driving along the highway and so I was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.'
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," she says.
He is led through many winding passages, and so he is very disoriented. The nun stops in front of a closed door and tells the man, 'Please, knock on this door' and leaves.
The man does as he is told. This door is opened by an even more beautiful nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $150.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway and close the door behind you."
He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway and slips through the door, pulling it shut.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back out in the parking lot, and facing another small sign:
'Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.'

* * *

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?
"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."
"Tears sprang from Jesus' eyes. "FATHER!" he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "PINOCCHIO!"

* * *

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were discussing how they made use of the funds in the collection plate.
The minister said, "I draw a line on the floor, and I throw the money into the air. Everything that lands to the right of the line is for God, everything on the left is for me."
"That's pretty much what I do," said the priest, "but instead of a line, I draw a circle. Everything in the circle is for God, everything outside the circle I keep for myself."
"I, too, have a system," said the rabbi. "I take the money and throw it up in the air, and whatever God catches He can keep."

* * *

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed.
After the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

Other Jokes

Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion."Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you are a pauper." His accountant told him.Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. "Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated." The lawyer said.Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice."Let me tell you a story." The priest said. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel."Joseph was confused. "What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?""Simple." replied the priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get screwed."

* * *

Three men, an American, a Mexican and a Newfy, were working on a bridge construction site. At noon the lunch bell goes off and they all get their lunch boxes and sit on th edge of te bridge to eat. The American opens his first and sees a tuna sandwich."Oh jeez, he says, everyday it's the same god damn thing. I Swear if i get another tuna sandwich i'm going to jump off this bridge."The Mexican opens his lunch box and sees a salami sandwich to which he says "Opa! another salami sandwich, I'm always getting salami sandwiches. If tomorrow I get another salami sandwich i'm going to jump off this bridge!"The newfy opens his and sees a baloney sandwich and says "I'm always getting baloney sandwiches, That's it! If i get another baloney sandwich I'm going to jump off this bridge!So the next day the lunch bell goes off and they all sit with their lunch boxes. The american opens his first and finds a tuna sandwich."God damn it! That's it I'm jumping off!" He jumps off and dies.The mexicans opens his and finds a salami sandwich. "That is it! I'm jumping off this bridge!" He jumps off and dies.The newfy opens his lunchbox and of course finds a baloney sandwich."Not again. That's it, I've had it!" he jumps off and dies. But Wait! That's not the end of the joke!!!So as the police investigate what happened they stop at each of the workers wives. They stop at the American's home and the wife explains "I don't understand why he didn't say he didn't say he didn't want tuna. He could have just said something."They stop at the mexican's home and the wife explains frantically "Why didn't he just tell me he didn't want a salami sandwich. I could have made him any kind of sandwich."They stop at the newfy's home and after explaining his wife gives them a weird look and says "He makes his own lunch!"

* * *

A Newfy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women. "Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a little bit," says the Frenchman. "What you do is you go to the store. You buy a little bikini swimming suit, and walk up and down the beach. You meet girls very quickly this way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the Newfy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman.
"I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to the store. You buy potato. You put potato in swimming suit and walk up and down the beach. You will meet girls very, very quikly this way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women all seem to look at him in disgust. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"
The Frenchman looks at him, "maybe you should try moving the potato to the FRONT of the swimming suit?"

* * *

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope," and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?