Men vs Women

How Women Shower:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according tolights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wideloofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with realpassionfruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs. Wax bikini area.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.Dry with towel the size of a small country.Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How Men Shower:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo'sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Avoid bathmat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

* * *

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

* * *

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

* * *

FLATULENCE: (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

WANTS AND NEEDS: (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.

THINGY:: (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

GLASS CEILING: (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE: (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing baseball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION: (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT: (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT: (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT: (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

MAKING LOVE: (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL: (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

TASTE: (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

* * *

Women's English:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby?=Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

Men's English:

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person so that you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

* * *

The Perfect Day For Her:

8:15
Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30
Weigh in 5 pounds lighter than yesterday
8:45
Breakfast in bed: fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15
Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00
Light workout at the club with handsome, funny, personal trainer
10:30
Facial, Manacure, shampoo and comb out
12:00
Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45
Notice ex-boyfriend's wife .... she gained 30 pounds
1:00
Shopping with friends ... unlimited credit
3:00
Nap
4:00
3 dozen roses delivered by florist card is from secret admirer
4:15
Light workout at club, followed by a gentle massage
5:30
Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
7:30
Candle lit dinner for two, followed by dancing
10:00
Hot shower (alone)
10:30
Make love
11:00
Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15
Fall asleep in his big strong arms


The Perfect Day For Him:

6:00
Alarm
6:15
Blowjob
6:30
Massive dump while reading sports section of USA today
7:00
Breakfast; Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30
Limo arrives
7:45
Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15
Private jet to Augusta, GA
9:30
Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45
Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45
Lunch: 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 heinekens
12:15
Blowjob
12:30
Back nine at Augusta (4 under)
2:15
Limo back to airport (Bombay Martini)
2:30
Private jet, Augusta to Nassau Bahamas (nap)
3:15
Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30
Land world record light tackle marlin (1249 pounds)
5:00
Private jet back home, massage and hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
6:45
Shit, Shower and Shave
7:00
Watch CNN neswflash; Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated ( Hillary has a mole, Al looks real cold)
7:30
Dinner; Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963), 20 oz. NY Steak
9:00
Remy Martin cognac and Cuban Partagas Cigar
9:30
Sex with 3 women
11:00
Massage and Jacuzz
11:45
Bed (Alone)
11:50
12 second - 4 note fart.... dog leaves the room
11:55
Sleep

* * *

TWO WOMEN TALKING:

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier....

NOW TWO MEN TALKING:

Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.

* * *

MAN:

1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away

WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN1
0) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake

* * *

How to Impress a Woman

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

How to Impress a Man

Show up naked, with beer.

* * *

Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushlandaround the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially withcountries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxedand convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She mayhave been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm anddesirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the warand is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quietand the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keepspeople away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows whereit is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

* * *


Bedtime Prayer for Women

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
He's not afraid to admit it when he's wrong.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed
and won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows just what to say when I ask, "How fat is my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'.
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.
Thank You in advance and now I'll just wait,
for I know You will send him before it's too late.
Amen.


Bedtime Prayer for Men

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in pretty handy.
Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I'm done, she wants no more.
Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's a LOT from behind!
One who'll screw till my body's a twitchin'
and brings me a beer when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.
Amen.

* * *

HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately. We went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny. I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something I did or something else. I ask him, and he says no its not me. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to talk about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 20 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know, what he's thinking anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS STORY: Shitty day at work. Tired. Got laid though!