One meets his destiny often on the road he took to avoid it.
* * *
Don't marry the person you can live with; marry the person you can't live without.
* * *
Don't drive faster than your angel can fly.
* * *
Forget the people from your past; there's a reason why they didn't make it into your future.
* * *
Be who you are and say what you feel; because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
* * *
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail, but your best friend is the one in there with you.
* * *
Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone truly special to catch your heart.
* * *
Friends are like a four leaf clover, hard to find but lucky to have.
* * *
Good friends are like stars; you don't always see them, but you know they're always there.
* * *
The grass always seems greener on the other side... until you get over the fence and suddenly remember that the best fertilizer is shit, and that's where you just landed.
* * *
If you always tell the truth, you never have to rely on your memory.
* * *
If you don't know where you're going, you'll never get there.
* * *
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walk out.
* * *
If you love somebody, set them free. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.
* * *
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
* * *
The richest person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least.
* * *
The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything that they have.
* * *
God gave us everything in pairs... 2 eyes to see, 2 ears to hear, and 2 hands to hold. But why did he give us only one heart? So we have to go find the other one because it's with the one we're destined to be with.
* * *
You don't make a friend, you become one!
* * *
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Can You Raed Tihs...
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteres are at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.
Love at First Sight Theories
Over the years, I've had a lot of people ask me if I believe in love at first sight.
Love at First Sight...
Why does it happen?
Below are 10 different theories... Quite interesting, some of them....
1) The "Opposites Attract" Theory
Like two poles of a magnet, when two people that are really different comes into close proximity of each other, an invisible pull occurs.
Believability: 35%
2) The "Greek Mythology" Theory
Our ancestors once had 2 heads and 4 arms; but because they did something to offend one of the gods, that god punished them by splitting them down the middle, resulting in the creation of humans. As a punishment, we are condemned to spend our lives searching for our other half. So when we find them, we feel that "excitement".
Believability: 25%
3) The "Deja Vu / Reincarnation / Soulmate" Theory
In a past life, (or lives) you loved this person SOOO deeply, that when you see them again this time around, you recognize them right away.
Believability: 85%
4) The "Cupid" (god of love) Theory
People fall in love with the first person they see when Cupid shoots them with his arrows. According to legend, Cupid's arrows come in 2 varieties; the Golden Arrow, which signifies true love, and the Leaden Arrow, with signifies passion or lust.
Believability: 25%
5) The "Fate" Theory
Somehow, you end up at a particular place, at a particular time, to meet a particular person.
Believability: 80%
6) The "Adam & Eve" Theory
God made one woman for every man.
Believability: 80%
7) The "Pre-Ordained" Theory
There is an ordained mate for each person that's determined before you were born.
Believability: 80%
8) The "Mother / Father Archetype" Theory
Men usually select females most similar to theirmothers; whereas, females usually select males most similar to their fathers.
Believability: 40%
9) The "Pheromones" Theory
People emit highly individualized chemical signals which triggers a response from the opposite sex. One study shows that men are attracted to the cinnamon /vanilla scent; whereas women are attracted to the black licorice scent.
Believability: 45%
10) My Theory
That all these "Love at First Sight" theories are just a load of hooey that a bunch of sex-crazed, horny people made up to justify boinking each other's brain's out.
Believablility: 200%
What? Not happy with my theory?
What do I REALLY think about this whole "love at first sight" stuff?...
Alright...
I believe that there is ONLY ONE "perfect person" (aka soulmate, or "other half") out there for every person. However, there are a lot of people out there who's similar to that "perfect person", so some people just end up settling with someone who similar to that"perfect person". So my conclusion is this.... People get that "special feeling" when the meet "THE ONE", or someone who reminds them of "THE ONE".
Love at First Sight...
Why does it happen?
Below are 10 different theories... Quite interesting, some of them....
1) The "Opposites Attract" Theory
Like two poles of a magnet, when two people that are really different comes into close proximity of each other, an invisible pull occurs.
Believability: 35%
2) The "Greek Mythology" Theory
Our ancestors once had 2 heads and 4 arms; but because they did something to offend one of the gods, that god punished them by splitting them down the middle, resulting in the creation of humans. As a punishment, we are condemned to spend our lives searching for our other half. So when we find them, we feel that "excitement".
Believability: 25%
3) The "Deja Vu / Reincarnation / Soulmate" Theory
In a past life, (or lives) you loved this person SOOO deeply, that when you see them again this time around, you recognize them right away.
Believability: 85%
4) The "Cupid" (god of love) Theory
People fall in love with the first person they see when Cupid shoots them with his arrows. According to legend, Cupid's arrows come in 2 varieties; the Golden Arrow, which signifies true love, and the Leaden Arrow, with signifies passion or lust.
Believability: 25%
5) The "Fate" Theory
Somehow, you end up at a particular place, at a particular time, to meet a particular person.
Believability: 80%
6) The "Adam & Eve" Theory
God made one woman for every man.
Believability: 80%
7) The "Pre-Ordained" Theory
There is an ordained mate for each person that's determined before you were born.
Believability: 80%
8) The "Mother / Father Archetype" Theory
Men usually select females most similar to theirmothers; whereas, females usually select males most similar to their fathers.
Believability: 40%
9) The "Pheromones" Theory
People emit highly individualized chemical signals which triggers a response from the opposite sex. One study shows that men are attracted to the cinnamon /vanilla scent; whereas women are attracted to the black licorice scent.
Believability: 45%
10) My Theory
That all these "Love at First Sight" theories are just a load of hooey that a bunch of sex-crazed, horny people made up to justify boinking each other's brain's out.
Believablility: 200%
What? Not happy with my theory?
What do I REALLY think about this whole "love at first sight" stuff?...
Alright...
I believe that there is ONLY ONE "perfect person" (aka soulmate, or "other half") out there for every person. However, there are a lot of people out there who's similar to that "perfect person", so some people just end up settling with someone who similar to that"perfect person". So my conclusion is this.... People get that "special feeling" when the meet "THE ONE", or someone who reminds them of "THE ONE".
Poems
Love Poems
I believe that God above
Created you for me to love
You were chosen from all the rest
Because he knew I'd love you best
God gave me a heart and it was true
But now its gone from me to you
Take care of it as I have done
For now you have two and I have none
If I ever get to heaven and you're not there
I’d wait for you on a golden stair
If you're not there by judgment day
I’ll know you’ve gone the other way
I'd give the angels back their wings
Their golden hearts and all their things
To prove to you my love is true
I’d go to hell to be with you
* * *
That special day when we first met
I know you were 'The One'
That I would spend my life with you
Through days of rain and sun
You were the gorgeous prince I saw
In all my girlhood dreams
I wished for you upon a star
While the moonlight softly gleamed
Before God lit the fiery sun
Or hung the moon in space
He planned for us to be in love
In this time and place
I know this precious love we share
Was always meant to be
And that it'll continue on and on
For all eternity
* * *
Half a boat will never float
Half a knife won't cut
Half a clock won't tell the time
Half a door won't shut
Half a record just won't play
Half a car won't run
And half of us is not much good
Without the other one
Romantic Roses are red.... Poems
Roses are red
Violets are blue
There's no one else
for me but you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I just can't stop
thinking of you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I would be lost
if I lost you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Life is wonderful
being with you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Words can't express
what I feel for you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
God must love me
'cuz he gave me you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I don't know why
but I love you
* * *
Roses Are Red
Violets Are Blue
I have never met anyone
As special as you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Love is what happened
When I met you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I found love
when I found you
* * *
I wrote this poem to let you know
It's you I'll always treasure
Roses last a day or two
But true love lasts forever
Funny Roses are red..... Poems
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Someone like you
belongs in a zoo
Don't be sad
And don't be blue
Frankenstein
was ugly too!
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
God made me pretty
but what happened to you?!
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Faces like yours
belong in the zoo
But not to worry
I will be there too
Just not in a cage
But laughing at you!
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You're lucky to have me
'cuz who else would put up with you?
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
When God gave out brains
Where the hell were you?!
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I copied your test
So I failed too!
Ode to Soulmates Poem
(written by Reverend Gladys Jones)
I am known as the other woman
A statement to which I disagree
I did not steal what is already mine
I'm not the second but first, you see
Though I'm known as the other woman
Our love's ruled by destiny
It all began many lives ago
That is why he belongs to me
I believe that God above
Created you for me to love
You were chosen from all the rest
Because he knew I'd love you best
God gave me a heart and it was true
But now its gone from me to you
Take care of it as I have done
For now you have two and I have none
If I ever get to heaven and you're not there
I’d wait for you on a golden stair
If you're not there by judgment day
I’ll know you’ve gone the other way
I'd give the angels back their wings
Their golden hearts and all their things
To prove to you my love is true
I’d go to hell to be with you
* * *
That special day when we first met
I know you were 'The One'
That I would spend my life with you
Through days of rain and sun
You were the gorgeous prince I saw
In all my girlhood dreams
I wished for you upon a star
While the moonlight softly gleamed
Before God lit the fiery sun
Or hung the moon in space
He planned for us to be in love
In this time and place
I know this precious love we share
Was always meant to be
And that it'll continue on and on
For all eternity
* * *
Half a boat will never float
Half a knife won't cut
Half a clock won't tell the time
Half a door won't shut
Half a record just won't play
Half a car won't run
And half of us is not much good
Without the other one
Romantic Roses are red.... Poems
Roses are red
Violets are blue
There's no one else
for me but you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I just can't stop
thinking of you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I would be lost
if I lost you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Life is wonderful
being with you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Words can't express
what I feel for you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
God must love me
'cuz he gave me you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I don't know why
but I love you
* * *
Roses Are Red
Violets Are Blue
I have never met anyone
As special as you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Love is what happened
When I met you
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I found love
when I found you
* * *
I wrote this poem to let you know
It's you I'll always treasure
Roses last a day or two
But true love lasts forever
Funny Roses are red..... Poems
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Someone like you
belongs in a zoo
Don't be sad
And don't be blue
Frankenstein
was ugly too!
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
God made me pretty
but what happened to you?!
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Faces like yours
belong in the zoo
But not to worry
I will be there too
Just not in a cage
But laughing at you!
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You're lucky to have me
'cuz who else would put up with you?
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
When God gave out brains
Where the hell were you?!
* * *
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I copied your test
So I failed too!
Ode to Soulmates Poem
(written by Reverend Gladys Jones)
I am known as the other woman
A statement to which I disagree
I did not steal what is already mine
I'm not the second but first, you see
Though I'm known as the other woman
Our love's ruled by destiny
It all began many lives ago
That is why he belongs to me
Interesting Facts
Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
History About The Middle Finger
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!" Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used w/ the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." And yew thought yew knew everything!!
History About The Middle Finger
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!" Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used w/ the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." And yew thought yew knew everything!!
Rebus Puzzles
A REBUS is a picture representation of a name, work, or phrase. Each "rebus" puzzle below portrays a common word or phrase. Can you guess what it is?
For example:
HEAD
HEELS
Since the word HEAD is over the word HEELS, the answer to the puzzle would be HEAD OVER HEELS!
Try and see how many you can get...
1. * * * * * * *
EGSG
GEGS
ESGG
2.* * * * * * *
ARREST
YOU'RE
3.* * * * * * *
T M
A U
H S
W T
4.* * * * * * *
TIME TIME
5.* * * * * * * *
history
history
history
history
history
history
6.* * * * * * *
BIRD
7.* * * * * * *
CHIMADENA
8.* * * * * * *
ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE
ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE
ISSUE ISSUE
9.* * * * * * *
CALM STORM
10.* * * * * * *
LAL
11.* * * * * * *
PAwalkRK
12.* * * * * * *
BAN ANA
13.* * * * * * *
222222222
DAY
14.* * * * * * *
1,000,000 AIR
15.* * * * * * *
T I M E
abde
16.* * * * * * *
COUNcloseTERS
17.* * * * * * *
123456789
us
18.* * * * * * *
FOOT
19.* * * * * * *
II II
OO OO
20.* * * * * * *
COF FEE
21.* * * * * * *
NV GREEN
22.* * * * ** * *
BOOKS GOING
23.* * * * * * *
PANTS
PANTS
24.* * * * * * *
HE HE HE HIMSELF
25.* * * * * * *
FACED
FACED
* * * * * * * * *
(Scroll down for answers.)
The answers are...
1. scrambles eggs
2. You're under arrest
3. what goes up, must come down
4. time after time
5. history repeats itself
6. Big Bird
7. Made in China
8. tennis shoes
9. calm before the storm
10. all mixed up
11. a walk in the park
12. banana split
13. Tuesday
14. millionaire
15. long time no see
16. close encounters
17. count on us
18. Big Foot
19. circles under the eyes
20. coffee break
21. green with envy
22. going by the books
23. a pair of pants
24. he's beside himself
25. two-faced
For example:
HEAD
HEELS
Since the word HEAD is over the word HEELS, the answer to the puzzle would be HEAD OVER HEELS!
Try and see how many you can get...
1. * * * * * * *
EGSG
GEGS
ESGG
2.* * * * * * *
ARREST
YOU'RE
3.* * * * * * *
T M
A U
H S
W T
4.* * * * * * *
TIME TIME
5.* * * * * * * *
history
history
history
history
history
history
6.* * * * * * *
BIRD
7.* * * * * * *
CHIMADENA
8.* * * * * * *
ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE
ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE ISSUE
ISSUE ISSUE
9.* * * * * * *
CALM STORM
10.* * * * * * *
LAL
11.* * * * * * *
PAwalkRK
12.* * * * * * *
BAN ANA
13.* * * * * * *
222222222
DAY
14.* * * * * * *
1,000,000 AIR
15.* * * * * * *
T I M E
abde
16.* * * * * * *
COUNcloseTERS
17.* * * * * * *
123456789
us
18.* * * * * * *
FOOT
19.* * * * * * *
II II
OO OO
20.* * * * * * *
COF FEE
21.* * * * * * *
NV GREEN
22.* * * * ** * *
BOOKS GOING
23.* * * * * * *
PANTS
PANTS
24.* * * * * * *
HE HE HE HIMSELF
25.* * * * * * *
FACED
FACED
* * * * * * * * *
(Scroll down for answers.)
The answers are...
1. scrambles eggs
2. You're under arrest
3. what goes up, must come down
4. time after time
5. history repeats itself
6. Big Bird
7. Made in China
8. tennis shoes
9. calm before the storm
10. all mixed up
11. a walk in the park
12. banana split
13. Tuesday
14. millionaire
15. long time no see
16. close encounters
17. count on us
18. Big Foot
19. circles under the eyes
20. coffee break
21. green with envy
22. going by the books
23. a pair of pants
24. he's beside himself
25. two-faced
Super Scrabble
This has got to be one of the most clever e-mails I've ever received. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble...
(wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
CONVERSATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
VOICES RANT ON
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS !
(wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
CONVERSATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
VOICES RANT ON
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS !
Interpreting Body Language
Statistics differ but most experts agree that it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if someone likes someone else romantically.
55% of the message is picked up from their body language.
38% is picked up through tone, speed and inflection of the voice.
Only 7% is picked up from what is actually said!
Body Language of Men
Signs He's Interested
Lifts his eyebrows - He's attracted to you
Pupil size increases - He likes what he sees
Puffs up his chest - Trying to be seen as strong
Touches his belt - He wants to mate
Stands taller - Trying to be seen as attractive
Sits with legs wide open - Wants to assert masculinity
Holds your hand in public - Wants to be close to you
Cups your face when he kisses you - He feels strongly about you
55% of the message is picked up from their body language.
38% is picked up through tone, speed and inflection of the voice.
Only 7% is picked up from what is actually said!
Body Language of Men
Signs He's Interested
Lifts his eyebrows - He's attracted to you
Pupil size increases - He likes what he sees
Puffs up his chest - Trying to be seen as strong
Touches his belt - He wants to mate
Stands taller - Trying to be seen as attractive
Sits with legs wide open - Wants to assert masculinity
Holds your hand in public - Wants to be close to you
Cups your face when he kisses you - He feels strongly about you
What Makes People Fall in Love? (Poem)
Scientists claim it's a chemical reaction
Idealists believe it's an instant attraction
The Romantics say, "it was love at first sight"
Lovers tell us, "it just happened last night"
Philosophers explain, "it's all in the mind"
Our best friends tell us that love is just blind
Parents avoid it, "you're too young to know"
Others tell us, "it's just something that grow"
Teachers explain it in a class called "sex ed"
But nothing is learned, it's a subject we dread.
If no one is certain what the true reason could be
How will I know, when it happens to me?
Idealists believe it's an instant attraction
The Romantics say, "it was love at first sight"
Lovers tell us, "it just happened last night"
Philosophers explain, "it's all in the mind"
Our best friends tell us that love is just blind
Parents avoid it, "you're too young to know"
Others tell us, "it's just something that grow"
Teachers explain it in a class called "sex ed"
But nothing is learned, it's a subject we dread.
If no one is certain what the true reason could be
How will I know, when it happens to me?
Short Stories (Fiction)
Angel Stories
Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.
The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion’s guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.
As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, “Things aren’t always what they seem.”
The next night, the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had, the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night’s rest.
When the sun came up the next morning, the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel, "how could you have let this happen?"
"The first man had everything, yet you helped him," she accused. "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die."
“Things aren’t always what they seem,” the older angel replied.“When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessedwith greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn’t find it.” Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren’t always what they seem.”
Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don’t turn out the way you think they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later…
* * *
Always when any of them complained the peasant said,"How do you know if this is a tragedy?" If somebody was too happy, he asked,"How do you know if that is a blessing?"
And the men of that village understood that, beyond appearances, life has other meanings.
* * *
Two elderly men, Jean and Paul, are both living in a nursing home. Jean is constantly visited by his family; children, grand-children, and great-grand-children. Paul never has any visitors... Not even one.
One afternoon, while sitting on a park bench, Jean decides to ask Paul why no one ever visits him.
"Well," says Paul, "my parents and all my friends have passed away already... And I never married so I don't have any wives or any children."
Curious, John asks, "How come you never married? Do you not like women?"
"Actually," says Paul, "I love women! In fact, to tell you the truth, I searched the whole world looking for the perfect woman to get married to. In France, I met a woman who was beautiful, intelligent, kind, and funny; but unfortunately, she was too tall, so I dumped her. Then, in Italy, I met a woman who was sexy, petite, funny and tender... but she wasn't well educated; so I dumped her too. Then in China, I met a woman who was exotic, passionate, fun to be with, and caring... but she didn't have a good job; so I dumped her as well. In fact, I literally searched the whole world looking for the perfect woman... Every woman, one woman after another, would seem almost perfect, but there would always be something missing."
"Then one day, after years of searching, one of my friends advices me to go to Venezuela. He says all the women there are gorgeous, so there's plenty to choose from. So I go to Venezuela... and sure enough... That's when I met HER. She was absolutely perfect!!! She was drop-dead gorgeous, intelligent, passionate, fun to be with, generous, kind... Everything I've ever dreamt of! We had lots in common... Lots to talk about... she was absolutely perfect!"
"So what happened then?" asks John. "Why didn’t you marry her?"
"Unfortunately," Paul replies, "she was looking for the perfect man..."
Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.
The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion’s guest room. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.
As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, “Things aren’t always what they seem.”
The next night, the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had, the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night’s rest.
When the sun came up the next morning, the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel, "how could you have let this happen?"
"The first man had everything, yet you helped him," she accused. "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die."
“Things aren’t always what they seem,” the older angel replied.“When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessedwith greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn’t find it.” Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren’t always what they seem.”
Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don’t turn out the way you think they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later…
* * *
Many years ago, in a poor Chinese village, lived a peasant with his son. His only material good, besides the land and his little straw hut, was a horse he had inherited from his father.
One good day, the horse ran away leaving the man without a horse to till the land. His neighbors —who respected him for his honesty and diligence— came to his home to let him know how much they regretted what happened. He thanked the visit, but asked,"How would you know what happened has been a misfortune in my life?"
Somebody commented in a low voice to a friend,"He doesn't want to accept reality, let him think what he wants, as long as he doesn't get sad with what has happened."
And the neighbors went away, feigning to be in agreement with what they had heard.
A week later, his horse came back to the stable, but he was not alone. He brought with him a beautiful mare as company. After knowing this the inhabitants of the village overjoyed, because only now they understood the answer the man had given them, returned to the peasant's home to congratulate him for his good luck.
"Before you had just one horse, now you have two. Congratulations!" they said.
"Thank you very much for your visit and your solidarity," answered the peasant. "But, how do you know that what happened to me is a blessing in my life?"
Confused, and thinking the man was turning insane, the neighbors walked away, commenting on the road,"Is it possible that this man does not understand that God sent him a gift?"
A month had passed, the peasant's son decided to tame the mare. But the animal jumped in an unexpected way, and the boy had a bad fall breaking a leg. The neighbors came back to the peasant's home taking with them presents for the wounded youth. The major of town, solemnly, presented his condolences to the father saying that all were very sad for what had happened. The man thanked the visit and everybody's affection. But he asked,"How can you know if what happened has been a misfortune in my life?"
This sentence left everybody astonished, since nobody could have the least doubt that an accident of his son is a true tragedy. When leaving the peasant's home they commented among themselves,"Really he is becoming crazy; his only son may end up lame forever and he still has doubts that what has happened is a tragedy."
Some months passed and Japan declared war to China. The emissaries went through the country looking for healthy boys to be sent to the battle front. When arrived to the village drafted all the young ones except the peasant's son who was with his broken leg. None of the boys returned alive. His son recovered, the two animals gave a litter that was sold and gave good money. The peasant went to visit his neighbors to console them and help them, since they had shown solidarity with him at all times.Always when any of them complained the peasant said,"How do you know if this is a tragedy?" If somebody was too happy, he asked,"How do you know if that is a blessing?"
And the men of that village understood that, beyond appearances, life has other meanings.
* * *
Two elderly men, Jean and Paul, are both living in a nursing home. Jean is constantly visited by his family; children, grand-children, and great-grand-children. Paul never has any visitors... Not even one.
One afternoon, while sitting on a park bench, Jean decides to ask Paul why no one ever visits him.
"Well," says Paul, "my parents and all my friends have passed away already... And I never married so I don't have any wives or any children."
Curious, John asks, "How come you never married? Do you not like women?"
"Actually," says Paul, "I love women! In fact, to tell you the truth, I searched the whole world looking for the perfect woman to get married to. In France, I met a woman who was beautiful, intelligent, kind, and funny; but unfortunately, she was too tall, so I dumped her. Then, in Italy, I met a woman who was sexy, petite, funny and tender... but she wasn't well educated; so I dumped her too. Then in China, I met a woman who was exotic, passionate, fun to be with, and caring... but she didn't have a good job; so I dumped her as well. In fact, I literally searched the whole world looking for the perfect woman... Every woman, one woman after another, would seem almost perfect, but there would always be something missing."
"Then one day, after years of searching, one of my friends advices me to go to Venezuela. He says all the women there are gorgeous, so there's plenty to choose from. So I go to Venezuela... and sure enough... That's when I met HER. She was absolutely perfect!!! She was drop-dead gorgeous, intelligent, passionate, fun to be with, generous, kind... Everything I've ever dreamt of! We had lots in common... Lots to talk about... she was absolutely perfect!"
"So what happened then?" asks John. "Why didn’t you marry her?"
"Unfortunately," Paul replies, "she was looking for the perfect man..."
The Idiot Quiz
Are you are smart as you think? Take this quiz and find out! You might be surprised... (Answer out loud, and as fast as you can.)
Questions
There is a one story purple house. Everything in it is purple. The doors are purple, the sofa is purple, the television is purple, the stove is purple, the refrigerator is purple, the cupboards are purple.... even the pots and pans inside the cupboards are purple... What colour are the stairs?
* * *
If there are 13 apples on the table and you take away 6 of them, how many apples do you have?
* * *
If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof and the wind is blowing from left to right, will the egg roll to the left side, or to the right side of the house?
* * *
If a plane is going from the USA to Canada, but crashes right at the border, where would the survivors be buried?
* * *
Standing in an open pasture is Papa Bull and Baby Bull. Which member of the family is missing?
Answers
Since the purple house is one story, there are no stairs.
6. You took them remember?
Roosters don't lay eggs.
You don't bury survivors.
The cow. There is no such animal as a Mama Bull. It's called a cow.
Questions
There is a one story purple house. Everything in it is purple. The doors are purple, the sofa is purple, the television is purple, the stove is purple, the refrigerator is purple, the cupboards are purple.... even the pots and pans inside the cupboards are purple... What colour are the stairs?
* * *
If there are 13 apples on the table and you take away 6 of them, how many apples do you have?
* * *
If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof and the wind is blowing from left to right, will the egg roll to the left side, or to the right side of the house?
* * *
If a plane is going from the USA to Canada, but crashes right at the border, where would the survivors be buried?
* * *
Standing in an open pasture is Papa Bull and Baby Bull. Which member of the family is missing?
Answers
Since the purple house is one story, there are no stairs.
6. You took them remember?
Roosters don't lay eggs.
You don't bury survivors.
The cow. There is no such animal as a Mama Bull. It's called a cow.
Men vs Women
How Women Shower:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according tolights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wideloofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with realpassionfruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs. Wax bikini area.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.Dry with towel the size of a small country.Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How Men Shower:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo'sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Avoid bathmat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
* * *
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.
* * *
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
* * *
FLATULENCE: (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
WANTS AND NEEDS: (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.
THINGY:: (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
GLASS CEILING: (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
VULNERABLE: (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing baseball without a cup.
COMMUNICATION: (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
BUTT: (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT: (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT: (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
MAKING LOVE: (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
REMOTE CONTROL: (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
TASTE: (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
* * *
Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby?=Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
Men's English:
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person so that you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
* * *
The Perfect Day For Her:
8:15
Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30
Weigh in 5 pounds lighter than yesterday
8:45
Breakfast in bed: fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15
Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00
Light workout at the club with handsome, funny, personal trainer
10:30
Facial, Manacure, shampoo and comb out
12:00
Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45
Notice ex-boyfriend's wife .... she gained 30 pounds
1:00
Shopping with friends ... unlimited credit
3:00
Nap
4:00
3 dozen roses delivered by florist card is from secret admirer
4:15
Light workout at club, followed by a gentle massage
5:30
Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
7:30
Candle lit dinner for two, followed by dancing
10:00
Hot shower (alone)
10:30
Make love
11:00
Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15
Fall asleep in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day For Him:
6:00
Alarm
6:15
Blowjob
6:30
Massive dump while reading sports section of USA today
7:00
Breakfast; Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30
Limo arrives
7:45
Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15
Private jet to Augusta, GA
9:30
Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45
Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45
Lunch: 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 heinekens
12:15
Blowjob
12:30
Back nine at Augusta (4 under)
2:15
Limo back to airport (Bombay Martini)
2:30
Private jet, Augusta to Nassau Bahamas (nap)
3:15
Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30
Land world record light tackle marlin (1249 pounds)
5:00
Private jet back home, massage and hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
6:45
Shit, Shower and Shave
7:00
Watch CNN neswflash; Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated ( Hillary has a mole, Al looks real cold)
7:30
Dinner; Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963), 20 oz. NY Steak
9:00
Remy Martin cognac and Cuban Partagas Cigar
9:30
Sex with 3 women
11:00
Massage and Jacuzz
11:45
Bed (Alone)
11:50
12 second - 4 note fart.... dog leaves the room
11:55
Sleep
* * *
TWO WOMEN TALKING:
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier....
NOW TWO MEN TALKING:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
* * *
MAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away
WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN1
0) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake
* * *
How to Impress a Woman
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man
Show up naked, with beer.
* * *
Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushlandaround the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially withcountries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxedand convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She mayhave been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm anddesirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the warand is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quietand the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keepspeople away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows whereit is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
* * *
Bedtime Prayer for Women
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
He's not afraid to admit it when he's wrong.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed
and won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows just what to say when I ask, "How fat is my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'.
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.
Thank You in advance and now I'll just wait,
for I know You will send him before it's too late.
Amen.
Bedtime Prayer for Men
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in pretty handy.
Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I'm done, she wants no more.
Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's a LOT from behind!
One who'll screw till my body's a twitchin'
and brings me a beer when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.
Amen.
* * *
HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately. We went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny. I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something I did or something else. I ask him, and he says no its not me. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to talk about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 20 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know, what he's thinking anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
HIS STORY: Shitty day at work. Tired. Got laid though!
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according tolights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wideloofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with realpassionfruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs. Wax bikini area.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.Dry with towel the size of a small country.Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How Men Shower:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo'sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Avoid bathmat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
* * *
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.
* * *
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
* * *
FLATULENCE: (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
WANTS AND NEEDS: (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.
THINGY:: (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
GLASS CEILING: (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
VULNERABLE: (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing baseball without a cup.
COMMUNICATION: (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
BUTT: (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT: (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT: (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
MAKING LOVE: (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
REMOTE CONTROL: (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
TASTE: (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
* * *
Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby?=Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
Men's English:
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person so that you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
* * *
The Perfect Day For Her:
8:15
Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30
Weigh in 5 pounds lighter than yesterday
8:45
Breakfast in bed: fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15
Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00
Light workout at the club with handsome, funny, personal trainer
10:30
Facial, Manacure, shampoo and comb out
12:00
Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45
Notice ex-boyfriend's wife .... she gained 30 pounds
1:00
Shopping with friends ... unlimited credit
3:00
Nap
4:00
3 dozen roses delivered by florist card is from secret admirer
4:15
Light workout at club, followed by a gentle massage
5:30
Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
7:30
Candle lit dinner for two, followed by dancing
10:00
Hot shower (alone)
10:30
Make love
11:00
Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15
Fall asleep in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day For Him:
6:00
Alarm
6:15
Blowjob
6:30
Massive dump while reading sports section of USA today
7:00
Breakfast; Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee
7:30
Limo arrives
7:45
Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15
Private jet to Augusta, GA
9:30
Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45
Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45
Lunch: 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 heinekens
12:15
Blowjob
12:30
Back nine at Augusta (4 under)
2:15
Limo back to airport (Bombay Martini)
2:30
Private jet, Augusta to Nassau Bahamas (nap)
3:15
Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30
Land world record light tackle marlin (1249 pounds)
5:00
Private jet back home, massage and hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
6:45
Shit, Shower and Shave
7:00
Watch CNN neswflash; Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated ( Hillary has a mole, Al looks real cold)
7:30
Dinner; Lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963), 20 oz. NY Steak
9:00
Remy Martin cognac and Cuban Partagas Cigar
9:30
Sex with 3 women
11:00
Massage and Jacuzz
11:45
Bed (Alone)
11:50
12 second - 4 note fart.... dog leaves the room
11:55
Sleep
* * *
TWO WOMEN TALKING:
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier....
NOW TWO MEN TALKING:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
* * *
MAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away
WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN1
0) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake
* * *
How to Impress a Woman
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man
Show up naked, with beer.
* * *
Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushlandaround the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially withcountries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxedand convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She mayhave been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm anddesirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the warand is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quietand the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keepspeople away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows whereit is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
* * *
Bedtime Prayer for Women
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
He's not afraid to admit it when he's wrong.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed
and won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows just what to say when I ask, "How fat is my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'.
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.
Thank You in advance and now I'll just wait,
for I know You will send him before it's too late.
Amen.
Bedtime Prayer for Men
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in pretty handy.
Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I'm done, she wants no more.
Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's a LOT from behind!
One who'll screw till my body's a twitchin'
and brings me a beer when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.
Amen.
* * *
HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk privately. We went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny. I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something I did or something else. I ask him, and he says no its not me. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to talk about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 20 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know, what he's thinking anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
HIS STORY: Shitty day at work. Tired. Got laid though!
Short Stories (Non-fiction)
Love Stories
(This story came from a doctor who works at Queen Alexandra Hospital in Cosham, England)
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.
He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him.
I saw him looking at his watch, and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, gotthe needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.
I inquired as to her health; he told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.
He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are'?
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is'.
Karma Stories
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal, he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so she brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "how much do i owe you?" You dont owe me anything,"she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness given." He said... "Then I thank you from my heart."
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.
Years later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally send her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately, he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctors gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and bill was sent to her room.
She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally, she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words.. "Paid in full with one glass of milk"
(signed)Dr. Howard Kelly
* * *
(This story came from a letter to Ann Landers)
Dear Ann
Thirty years ago, my husband and I and our eight children moved from a small town in Pennsylvania to a much larger city in New Jersy. Just when we arrived, the employees at my husband's company went on strike.
When my husband went to our new landlord, Mr. Kirby, to pay our rent, the landlord told him he dedn't need to make the payment. Mr. Kirby had heard the company was on strike. What a comfort he was.
Recently, our daughter, who is a nurse for an eye surgeion, foun she had Mr. Kirby as a patient. He is now 89 and was very nervous about his surgery.
Our daughter told him who she was and he remembered us. Needless to say, she gave him special attention.
Isn't it amazing how God took a small act of kindness and arranged to have it paid back after so many years?
-A.B., Plant City, Fla.
* * *
(This story came from a doctor who works at Queen Alexandra Hospital in Cosham, England)
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.
He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him.
I saw him looking at his watch, and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, gotthe needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.
I inquired as to her health; he told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.
He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are'?
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is'.
Karma Stories
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal, he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so she brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "how much do i owe you?" You dont owe me anything,"she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness given." He said... "Then I thank you from my heart."
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.
Years later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally send her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately, he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctors gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and bill was sent to her room.
She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally, she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words.. "Paid in full with one glass of milk"
(signed)Dr. Howard Kelly
* * *
(This story came from a letter to Ann Landers)
Dear Ann
Thirty years ago, my husband and I and our eight children moved from a small town in Pennsylvania to a much larger city in New Jersy. Just when we arrived, the employees at my husband's company went on strike.
When my husband went to our new landlord, Mr. Kirby, to pay our rent, the landlord told him he dedn't need to make the payment. Mr. Kirby had heard the company was on strike. What a comfort he was.
Recently, our daughter, who is a nurse for an eye surgeion, foun she had Mr. Kirby as a patient. He is now 89 and was very nervous about his surgery.
Our daughter told him who she was and he remembered us. Needless to say, she gave him special attention.
Isn't it amazing how God took a small act of kindness and arranged to have it paid back after so many years?
-A.B., Plant City, Fla.
* * *
One day a man saw an old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.
Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn’t look safe; he looked poor and hungry. He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was those chills which only fear can put in you. He said, “I’m here to help you, ma’am. Why don’t you wait in the car where it’s warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.”
Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.
As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn’t thank him enough for coming to her aid.
Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.
He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, “And think of me.”
He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.
A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn’t erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan.
After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin.
There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: “You don’t owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I’m helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you.”
Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.
Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard….
She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, “Everything’s going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson.”
There is an old saying “What goes around comes around.”
* * *
Zion was a kid born with physical and mental disabilities. One day, Zion was walking across the park with his father when he saw a few other boys, whom he knew personally, playing baseball. Zion asked his father, "Do you think they will let me play with them?"
Zion's father realized that most of the kids would not want to have someone like Zion on their team. Of course, he hoped that they will let his son join them, for it would allow his son to obtain a sense of belonging that he desperately needed, as well as build confidence that he is accepted despite being physically and mentally challenged. He wasn't optimistic about the boys letting his son play, but he decided to ask anyways. So he approached one of the boys, without any real hope, and asked if Zion could join them. The boy looked around at his teammates and said, "It is the top of the 8th inning and we are trailing by 6. I guess he can join our team, and we will think of a way to let him play in the 9th inning."
Zion was full of joy as he slowly, and with a lot of difficulty, went to his team's dugout area and put on his team's jersey. Tears were coming out of the father's eyes, as he saw how happy and excited his son was. The other boys also saw the joy in the father that his son was being accepted. By the bottom of the 8th inning, Zion's teammates were only trailing by 3.
Zion put on the baseball glove at the top of the 9th inning and became the right fielder. Although there were balls hit in his direction and he didn't catch any balls, he was very excited just to be able to stay on the field. And when his father waved at him from the stands, he couldn't hide his smile at all.
When it was the bottom of the 9th inning, the bases were loaded when Zion came to the plate to bat. In such an important point of the game, would they let Zion hit while giving up the opportunity to win the ball game? Surprisingly, they indeed handed the bat to Zion, even though everyone understood that he could not hit the ball because he didn't even know how to grab the bat properly.
By the time Zion stepped to the batter's box, the opposing pitcher already realized that Zion's teammates had sacrificed the opportunity of winning the game for the most important moment in Zion's life. So he took a few steps forward, and threw a very slow pitch at Zion, so that he could at least touch it. Zion swung clumsily at the first pitch and missed. So the pitcher took another few steps towards Zion, and threw him another slow pitch. This time, Zion swung at it and hit it slowly back at the pitcher's direction. Everyone expected the game to be over soon when the pitcher picked up the slow-roller, as he could have ended the game by flipping the ball to the first-base-man. However, the pitcher threw it high above the head of the first baseman so that no one could catch it. Everyone in the stands, no matter who they were originally cheering for, started to yell, "Zion, run to first base! Run to first base! Run to first base!" Zion had never run such a long distance in his life, but he managed to successfully get to first base. His eyes were wide opened when he stepped on the bag, and he looked very surprised too. Then everyone started yelling, "Zion, run to second base! Run to second base!" Zion stumbled towards second base as he was still catching his breath. While Zion was running towards second base, the right fielder, who was the shortest on his team, had picked up the ball and could have thrown to second base and became a hero himself. But he realized what his pitcher was thinking, so he also intentionally threw the ball above the head of the third baseman. While all the base runners in front of Zion had scored, he was still stumbling towards third base. Everyone was yelling, "Zion, keep running, Keep running! The short-stop on the other team was helping to guide Zion to third base and he kept yelling, "Run to third base, Zion, run to third base." When Zion finally arrived at third base, players from both teams and everyone in the stands were up and yelling, "Zion, run home! Run home!
When Zion ran back and stepped onto home plate, everyone was cheering for him as a hero because he had won the game with a grand slam. His father was in tears and he said softly, "The boys from both teams have brought true love and glory of humanity into this world."
Zion lived for another summer and passed away that winter. However, he never forgot that day... the day he brought every one such excitement, and how his mother was crying and hugging him when he got home.
A wise person once said, "To evaluate a society, one must see how that society treats it's most unfortunate members."
Sometimes, winning or losing is not really that important.
Riddles
Doorway to Heaven/Hell
There are 2 doors in front of you. One leads to Heaven and the other one leads to Hell. There are 2 guards there. One ALWAYS tells the truth and other one ALWAYS lies. But you don't know who always tells the truth and who always lies. You can only ask the guards ONE question and you have to ask the same question to both guards. What you are trying to find out is which door leads to Heaven and which door leads to Hell. What question do you ask them?
(Scroll down for answer.)
The answer is...
Ask each one "What will the other one say is the door to heaven?" They will both point to the door to Hell.
The Missing Dollar
Three men go into a hotel. The manager tells them there is only one room available and is willing to rent the room for $30. The three men agree and each pay the manager $10. After some time the manager decides he has charged the men too much for the room. He calls the bellboy and says: "Go and give this $5 back to the three men." The bellboy is on his way as he realizes that the three men can't split the $5 equally so he decides to keep $2 for himself and gives each of the men $1 back.Now each of the three men have paid $9 for the room. That makes $27 in total. The bellboy kept $2 for himself. That makes $29 in total. But there was $30 originally. Where is the missing $1?
(Scroll down for answer.)
The answer is...
Actually, there is no $1 missing. The three men paid $27 in total (not $30!). The manager charged $25. And the bellboy kept $2 for himself. So $25 (manager) + $2 (bellboy) = $27 (what the three men paid).
A Coin in the Bottle
If you were to put a coin into an empty bottle and then insert a cork into the neck, how could you remove the coin without taking out the cork or breaking the bottle?
(Scroll down for answer.)
The answer is...
Simply push the cork into the bottle and shake the coin out.
The Clever Thief
In olden days, a clever thief is charged with treason against the king and sentenced to death. But the king decided to be a little lenient and lets him choose his own way to die. What way should he choose? Remember, he's clever!
(Scroll down for answer.)
The answer is...
He chose to die of old age.
The Magician and the Kid
A magician was boasting one day at how long he could hold his breath under water. His record was 6 minutes. A kid that was listening said, "that's nothing, I can stay under water for 10 minutes using no types of equipment or air pockets!" The magician told the kid if he could do that, he's give him $1000. The kid did it and won the money. Can you figure out how?
(Scroll down for answer.)
The answer is...
The kid filled a glass of water and held it over his head for 10 minutes.
There are 2 doors in front of you. One leads to Heaven and the other one leads to Hell. There are 2 guards there. One ALWAYS tells the truth and other one ALWAYS lies. But you don't know who always tells the truth and who always lies. You can only ask the guards ONE question and you have to ask the same question to both guards. What you are trying to find out is which door leads to Heaven and which door leads to Hell. What question do you ask them?
(Scroll down for answer.)
The answer is...
Ask each one "What will the other one say is the door to heaven?" They will both point to the door to Hell.
The Missing Dollar
Three men go into a hotel. The manager tells them there is only one room available and is willing to rent the room for $30. The three men agree and each pay the manager $10. After some time the manager decides he has charged the men too much for the room. He calls the bellboy and says: "Go and give this $5 back to the three men." The bellboy is on his way as he realizes that the three men can't split the $5 equally so he decides to keep $2 for himself and gives each of the men $1 back.Now each of the three men have paid $9 for the room. That makes $27 in total. The bellboy kept $2 for himself. That makes $29 in total. But there was $30 originally. Where is the missing $1?
(Scroll down for answer.)
The answer is...
Actually, there is no $1 missing. The three men paid $27 in total (not $30!). The manager charged $25. And the bellboy kept $2 for himself. So $25 (manager) + $2 (bellboy) = $27 (what the three men paid).
A Coin in the Bottle
If you were to put a coin into an empty bottle and then insert a cork into the neck, how could you remove the coin without taking out the cork or breaking the bottle?
(Scroll down for answer.)
The answer is...
Simply push the cork into the bottle and shake the coin out.
The Clever Thief
In olden days, a clever thief is charged with treason against the king and sentenced to death. But the king decided to be a little lenient and lets him choose his own way to die. What way should he choose? Remember, he's clever!
(Scroll down for answer.)
The answer is...
He chose to die of old age.
The Magician and the Kid
A magician was boasting one day at how long he could hold his breath under water. His record was 6 minutes. A kid that was listening said, "that's nothing, I can stay under water for 10 minutes using no types of equipment or air pockets!" The magician told the kid if he could do that, he's give him $1000. The kid did it and won the money. Can you figure out how?
(Scroll down for answer.)
The answer is...
The kid filled a glass of water and held it over his head for 10 minutes.
26.* * * * * * *
COORDERURT
27.* * * * * * *
ME QUIT
28.* * * * * * *
PETS A
29.* * * * * * *
bJACKox
30.* * * * * * *
CORPORATE
31.* * * * * * *
GLANCE
GLANCE
GLANCE
GLANCE
32.* * * * * * *
ANOTHER 1
33. * * * * * * *
DAYDAYOUT
34.* * * * * * *
T_RN
35.* * * * * * *
DO(12")OR
36.* * * * * * *
BUSINES...
37.* * * * * * *
THE WEATHER
FEELING
38.* * * * * * *
GIVE x 4
GET x 4
39.* * * * * * *
...FAIRY
...WOLF
...DUCKLING
40.* * * * * * *
STEP SPETS SPETS
41.* * * * * * *
OturnedUT
42.* * * * * * *
JOanB
43.* * * * * * *
EVARELTO
44.* * * * * * *
OFTEN OFTEN
OFTEN OFTEN
NOT
45.* * * * * * *
INJURY
+INSULT
46.* * * * * * *
amUous
47.* * * * * * *
SAILING
CCCCCCC
48.* * * * * * *
I'LL GET
IT
49.* * * * * * *
HIJKLMNO
50.* * * * * * *
WEAR
LONG
* * * * * * * * *
(Scroll down for answers.)
The answers are...
26. order in the court
27. quit following me
28. a step backwards
29. Jack in the box
30. corporate downsizing
31. without a second glance
32. one after another
33. day in, day out
34. no U-turn
35. a foot in the door
36. unfinished business
37. feeling under the weather
38. forgive and forget
39. the good, the bad, and the ugly
40. one step forward, two steps back
41. turned inside out
42. an inside job
43. elevator out-of-order
44. more often than not
45. add insult to injury
46. ambiguous
47. sailing overseas
48. I'll get over it
49. water (H2O)
50. long underwear
COORDERURT
27.* * * * * * *
ME QUIT
28.* * * * * * *
PETS A
29.* * * * * * *
bJACKox
30.* * * * * * *
CORPORATE
31.* * * * * * *
GLANCE
GLANCE
GLANCE
GLANCE
32.* * * * * * *
ANOTHER 1
33. * * * * * * *
DAYDAYOUT
34.* * * * * * *
T_RN
35.* * * * * * *
DO(12")OR
36.* * * * * * *
BUSINES...
37.* * * * * * *
THE WEATHER
FEELING
38.* * * * * * *
GIVE x 4
GET x 4
39.* * * * * * *
...FAIRY
...WOLF
...DUCKLING
40.* * * * * * *
STEP SPETS SPETS
41.* * * * * * *
OturnedUT
42.* * * * * * *
JOanB
43.* * * * * * *
EVARELTO
44.* * * * * * *
OFTEN OFTEN
OFTEN OFTEN
NOT
45.* * * * * * *
INJURY
+INSULT
46.* * * * * * *
amUous
47.* * * * * * *
SAILING
CCCCCCC
48.* * * * * * *
I'LL GET
IT
49.* * * * * * *
HIJKLMNO
50.* * * * * * *
WEAR
LONG
* * * * * * * * *
(Scroll down for answers.)
The answers are...
26. order in the court
27. quit following me
28. a step backwards
29. Jack in the box
30. corporate downsizing
31. without a second glance
32. one after another
33. day in, day out
34. no U-turn
35. a foot in the door
36. unfinished business
37. feeling under the weather
38. forgive and forget
39. the good, the bad, and the ugly
40. one step forward, two steps back
41. turned inside out
42. an inside job
43. elevator out-of-order
44. more often than not
45. add insult to injury
46. ambiguous
47. sailing overseas
48. I'll get over it
49. water (H2O)
50. long underwear
51.* * * * * * *
OHOLENE
52.* * * * * * *
THE RASINGINGIN
53.* * * * * * *
MIND
MATTER
54.* * * * * * *
JOBS I'M JOBS
55.* * * * * * *
DDDWESTDDD
56.* * * * * * *
ABCDEFGHIJKLM
NOPQRSTVWXYZ
57.* * * * * * *
DOX
DOX
58.* * * * * * *
DEATH LIFE
59.* * * * * * *
WORKING
TIME
60.* * * * * * *
CL UDY
61.* * * * * * *
THOUGHT AN
62.* * * * * * *
MINI'LLBETHEREUTE
63.* * * * * * *
TO RN
64.* * * * * * *
XQQQME
65.* * * * * * *
YAPLAYRD
66.* * * * * * *
BIG BIG
IGNORE IGNORE
67.* * * * * * *
BELT
HITTING
68.* * * * * * *
eye e
see except
69.* * * * * * *
GO IT IT IT IT
70.* * * * * * *
HI WAY
PASS
71.* * * * * * *
LANG4UAGE
72.* * * * * * *
ABCDEFGHI
JKMNOPQR
STUVWXYZ
73.* * * * * * *
STANDING
friendsMISSfriends
74.* * * * * * *
DUMPS DUMPS
GOOSEFEATHERS
DUMPS DUMPS
75.* * * * * * *
# # # # #
WEIGHT
* * * * * * * * * *
(Scroll down for answers.)
The answers are...
51. a hole in one
52. singing in the rain
53. mind over matter
54. I'm in-between jobs
55. West Indies
56. Missing You
57. paradox
58. life after death
59. working overtime
60. partly cloudy
61. an afterthought
62. I'll be there in minute
63. torn apart
64. Excuse Me!
65. play in the yard
66. too big to ignore
67. hitting below the belt
68. I before E, except after C
69. Go for it!
70. highway overpass
71. foreign language
72. Noel
73. misunderstanding between friends
74. down in the dumps
75. five pounds overweight
OHOLENE
52.* * * * * * *
THE RASINGINGIN
53.* * * * * * *
MIND
MATTER
54.* * * * * * *
JOBS I'M JOBS
55.* * * * * * *
DDDWESTDDD
56.* * * * * * *
ABCDEFGHIJKLM
NOPQRSTVWXYZ
57.* * * * * * *
DOX
DOX
58.* * * * * * *
DEATH LIFE
59.* * * * * * *
WORKING
TIME
60.* * * * * * *
CL UDY
61.* * * * * * *
THOUGHT AN
62.* * * * * * *
MINI'LLBETHEREUTE
63.* * * * * * *
TO RN
64.* * * * * * *
XQQQME
65.* * * * * * *
YAPLAYRD
66.* * * * * * *
BIG BIG
IGNORE IGNORE
67.* * * * * * *
BELT
HITTING
68.* * * * * * *
eye e
see except
69.* * * * * * *
GO IT IT IT IT
70.* * * * * * *
HI WAY
PASS
71.* * * * * * *
LANG4UAGE
72.* * * * * * *
ABCDEFGHI
JKMNOPQR
STUVWXYZ
73.* * * * * * *
STANDING
friendsMISSfriends
74.* * * * * * *
DUMPS DUMPS
GOOSEFEATHERS
DUMPS DUMPS
75.* * * * * * *
# # # # #
WEIGHT
* * * * * * * * * *
(Scroll down for answers.)
The answers are...
51. a hole in one
52. singing in the rain
53. mind over matter
54. I'm in-between jobs
55. West Indies
56. Missing You
57. paradox
58. life after death
59. working overtime
60. partly cloudy
61. an afterthought
62. I'll be there in minute
63. torn apart
64. Excuse Me!
65. play in the yard
66. too big to ignore
67. hitting below the belt
68. I before E, except after C
69. Go for it!
70. highway overpass
71. foreign language
72. Noel
73. misunderstanding between friends
74. down in the dumps
75. five pounds overweight
76.* * * * * * *
BUCdropKET
77.* * * * * * *
SINOWHEREGHT
78.* * * * * * *
O L D
79.* * * * * * *
CHAWHOWHORGE
80.* * * * * * *
KNEE
LIGHT LIGHT
81.* * * * * * *
SPAWAYOUTCE
82.* * * * * * *
I'M you
83.* * * * * * *
uPLATm
84.* * * * * * *
E
T
A
D
85.* * * * * * *
BillED
86.* * * * * * *
BLACK
COAT
87.* * * * * * *
13579 R
WHELMING
88.* * * * * * *
9S2A5F4E1T8Y6
89.* * * * * * *
STAND
I
90.* * * * * * *
WONALICEDERLAND
91.* * * * * * *
PAID
SUM R
WORKED
92.* * * * * * *
BEND
BACKWARDS
93.* * * * * * *
THANKS THANKS THANKS
THANKS THANKS THANKS
THANKS THANKS THANKS
94.* * * * * * *
BLOOD WATER
95.* * * * * * *
FUSS
NOTHING
96.* * * * * * *
GENER_ATION
97.* * * * * * *
PPPOD
98.* * * * * * *
MAN
BOARD
99.* * * * * * *
FLUBADENCE
100.* * * * * * *
OTWONE
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
(Scroll down for answers.)
The answers are...
76. a drop in a bucket
77. nowhere in sight
78. growing old
79. who's in charge
80. neon lights
81. way out in space
82. I'm bigger than you
83. platinum
84. update
85. ill in bed
86. black overcoat
87. odds are overwhelming
88. safety in numbers
89. I understand
90. safety in numbers
91. some are overworked and underpaid
92. bend over backwards
93. many thanks (or thanks a lot)
94. blood is thicker than water
95. big fuss over nothing
96. generation gap
97. two peas in a pod
98. man overboard
99. bad influence
100. two-in-one
BUCdropKET
77.* * * * * * *
SINOWHEREGHT
78.* * * * * * *
O L D
79.* * * * * * *
CHAWHOWHORGE
80.* * * * * * *
KNEE
LIGHT LIGHT
81.* * * * * * *
SPAWAYOUTCE
82.* * * * * * *
I'M you
83.* * * * * * *
uPLATm
84.* * * * * * *
E
T
A
D
85.* * * * * * *
BillED
86.* * * * * * *
BLACK
COAT
87.* * * * * * *
13579 R
WHELMING
88.* * * * * * *
9S2A5F4E1T8Y6
89.* * * * * * *
STAND
I
90.* * * * * * *
WONALICEDERLAND
91.* * * * * * *
PAID
SUM R
WORKED
92.* * * * * * *
BEND
BACKWARDS
93.* * * * * * *
THANKS THANKS THANKS
THANKS THANKS THANKS
THANKS THANKS THANKS
94.* * * * * * *
BLOOD WATER
95.* * * * * * *
FUSS
NOTHING
96.* * * * * * *
GENER_ATION
97.* * * * * * *
PPPOD
98.* * * * * * *
MAN
BOARD
99.* * * * * * *
FLUBADENCE
100.* * * * * * *
OTWONE
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
(Scroll down for answers.)
The answers are...
76. a drop in a bucket
77. nowhere in sight
78. growing old
79. who's in charge
80. neon lights
81. way out in space
82. I'm bigger than you
83. platinum
84. update
85. ill in bed
86. black overcoat
87. odds are overwhelming
88. safety in numbers
89. I understand
90. safety in numbers
91. some are overworked and underpaid
92. bend over backwards
93. many thanks (or thanks a lot)
94. blood is thicker than water
95. big fuss over nothing
96. generation gap
97. two peas in a pod
98. man overboard
99. bad influence
100. two-in-one
101.* * * * * * *
CAMPING
NIGHT
102.* * * * * * *
STEFRANKIN
103.* * * * * * *
PODPODPOD
104.* * * * * * *
THODEEPGHT
105.* * * * * * *
DICE
DICE
106.* * * * * * *
CAJUSTIN
107.* * * * * * *
LE
VEL
108.* * * * * * *
CYCLE
CYCLE
CYCLE
109.* * * * * * *
_PROGRAM
110.* * * * * * *
YOUJUSTME
111.* * * * * * *
BRIDGE
WATER
112.* * * * * * *
TENgoodTIONS
113.* * * * * * *
EASY
IIIIIIII
114.* * * * * * *
HOU SE
115.* * * * * * *
M1LLION
116.* * * * * * *
O
M.D.
Ph.D.
B.S.
117.* * * * * * *
CI II
118.* * * * * * *
GIFIREN
* * * * * * * * * * *
(Scroll down for answers.)
The answers are....
101. camping overnight
102. Frankenstein
103. tripod
104. deep in thought
105. paradise
106. just in case
107. split level
108. tricycle
109. space program
110. just between you and me
111. water under the bridge
112. good intentions
113. easy on the eyes
114. house broken
115. one in a million
116. 3 degrees below zero
117. see eye to eye
118. fire engine
CAMPING
NIGHT
102.* * * * * * *
STEFRANKIN
103.* * * * * * *
PODPODPOD
104.* * * * * * *
THODEEPGHT
105.* * * * * * *
DICE
DICE
106.* * * * * * *
CAJUSTIN
107.* * * * * * *
LE
VEL
108.* * * * * * *
CYCLE
CYCLE
CYCLE
109.* * * * * * *
_PROGRAM
110.* * * * * * *
YOUJUSTME
111.* * * * * * *
BRIDGE
WATER
112.* * * * * * *
TENgoodTIONS
113.* * * * * * *
EASY
IIIIIIII
114.* * * * * * *
HOU SE
115.* * * * * * *
M1LLION
116.* * * * * * *
O
M.D.
Ph.D.
B.S.
117.* * * * * * *
CI II
118.* * * * * * *
GIFIREN
* * * * * * * * * * *
(Scroll down for answers.)
The answers are....
101. camping overnight
102. Frankenstein
103. tripod
104. deep in thought
105. paradise
106. just in case
107. split level
108. tricycle
109. space program
110. just between you and me
111. water under the bridge
112. good intentions
113. easy on the eyes
114. house broken
115. one in a million
116. 3 degrees below zero
117. see eye to eye
118. fire engine
Math Fun
Check out the following exercise, almost guaranteed to freak you out. There’s no
trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions
one at a time and as quickly as you can. Again, as quickly as you can but
don’t advance until you’ve done each of them…really.
Now, ARROW down (but not too fast, you might miss something)…
What is:
1+5
2+4
3+3
4+2
5+1
Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15
seconds. Then scroll down.
QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then arrow down.
Keep going.
You’re thinking of a carrot right?
If not, you’re among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped
enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot
when given this exercise. Freaky, huh?
How to Contact Me...
If you were directed to this site because you are looking for a feng shui consultant, my fee is $200 the first time, and $100 each time thereafter. You can text me at (647) 989-8835.
Everybody else.... Welcome to my blog! I hope you have a good time here. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all my friends and family who kept on forwarding interesting and funny stuff to me all these years... I've put all the best stuff here, so I hope you all enjoy it!
Thank you...
Everybody else.... Welcome to my blog! I hope you have a good time here. I would like to take this opportunity to thank all my friends and family who kept on forwarding interesting and funny stuff to me all these years... I've put all the best stuff here, so I hope you all enjoy it!
Thank you...
Once again, a reminder...
All photos on this site are copyrighted with all rights reserved. It is illegal to copy, distribute or create derivative from these images in whole or in part or to contribute to the copying, distribution, or creation of derivative works of these photos.I expect you to abide by these rules. I regularly and actively search the Internet for people who violate my copyrights. All violations will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
Personality Tests
Love Test
1. You are walking to your boyfriend/girlfriend's house. There are two roads to get there. One is a straight path which takes you there quickly, but is very plain and boring. The other is curvy and full of wonderful sights on the way, but takes quite a while to reach your loved one's house.
Which path do you choose? Short or long?
2. On the way, you see two rose bushes. One is full of white roses. One is full of red roses. You decide to pick 20 roses for your boyfriend/girlfriend.
What color combination do you choose?(Any combination including all one color is fine.)
3. You finally get to your boyfriend/girlfriend's house. You ring the bell and the maid answers. You can ask the maid to please get your loved one, or you may go get them yourself.
Which action do you take? Ask the maid or do it yourself?
4. Now, you go up to your girlfriend/boyfriends room. No one is there. You can leave the roses by the window sill, or on the bed.
Where do you put the roses? Bed or window?
5. Later, its time for bed. You and your loved one go to sleep, in separate rooms. You wake up in the morning, and go to your boyfriend/girlfriend's room to check up on him/her. You enter the room:
Is he/she awake or sleeping?
6. It's time to go home now, and you start to head back. You can take either road home now: The plain, boring one that gets you home fast; or the curvy, sight-filled road that you can just casually take your time with.
Which road do you choose? Short or long?
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is...
1. Which road do you choose to take to your love's house?
The roads represent your attitude towards falling in love. If you chose the short one, you fall in love quickly and easily.
If you chose the long one, you take your time and do not fall in love easily.
2. What combination of roses do you choose to give your love?
The number of red roses represent how much you expect to give in a relationship. The number of white roses represent how much you expect in a relationship. Therefore, if a person chose all red with one white, he/she gives 90% in the relationship but expects to receive only 10% back.
3. Do you ask the maid to get your love, or do you do it yourself?
This question shows your attitude in handling relationship problems. If you asked the maid to get your loved one, then you may beat around the bush, maybe asking a third party to intervene. Avoidance of problems runs high.
If you went and got your loved one yourself, then you are pretty direct. If there is a problem, you confront it and deal with it. You want to work it out right away.
4. Where do you put the roses? On the window sill or on the bed?
The placement of the roses indicates how often you'd like to see your boyfriend/girlfriend. Placing the roses on the bed means you need lots of reassurance in the relationship, and you'd want to see your loved one every day, if possible.
Placing the roses by the window show that you don't expect or need to see your loved one too often.
5. Do you find your love asleep or awake?
Finding your boyfriend/ girlfriend asleep: You accept your loved one the way they are.
Finding them awake: You expect him/her to change for you.
6. Which road do you choose to go home?
The short and long roads now represent how long you stay in love. If you chose the short one, you fall out of love easily.
If you chose the long one, you tend to stay in love for a long time
The River Against Love
A man (M) and a lady (L) who are very much in love and devoted to one another, are separated by a river with no way of getting across to the other side. On L's side of the river, there is a boatman (B) who is able to take her over to the other side of the river but refuses to do so unless she pays him $20, twice his normal fare. L has no money. Another man (S) then tells L that he will giver her $20 if she sleeps with him. L agrees to do so and on receiving the $20, pays B who takes her over to the other side of the river. She is reunited with M and they are very happy together. However, a friend of M (F) finds out what L did with S and immediately tells M. On learning the news, M finds L and ends things with her, stating that he wants nothing more to do with her. Your task is to rank these five people, M, L, B, S, and F, from best person to worst person.
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is...
M= morality
L= love
B= business/money
S= sex
F= friendship
Relational Psychology Test
1. You are walking in the woods. Who are you walking with?
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?
3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your Dream House. Describe its size.
5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining table. Describe what you see on AND around the table.
7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is the cup made of?
8. What do you do with the cup?
9. You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it?
10. How will you cross the water?
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is...
1. The person who you are walking with is the most important person in your life.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems. (passive/aggressive)
4. The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your ambition to resolve your problems.
5. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not to drop by unannounced.
6. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are generally unhappy.
7. The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person named in number 1. For example, Styrofoam, plastic, and paper are all disposable, Styrofoam, paper and glass are not durable, and metal and plastic are durable.
8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude towards the person in number 1. 9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.
Draw A Pig
Don't cheat by reading the whole thing first. It's hysterical if you do it right!
Get a blank piece of paper, draw a picture of a whole pig on it, not just the head, just a basic drawing though, don't spend too long on it...
DRAW THE PIG BEFORE YOU GO ON.
IF YOU DON'T THE TEST WILL NOT WORK
NO CHEATING
DRAW THE PIG FIRST
HAVE YOU DONE THE DRAWING??
IF NOT, DO IT NOW
IT IS REALLY FUNNY IF YOU DO IT RIGHT!
OK... NOW TO THE INTERESTING STUFF......
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is...
The pig drawing serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer.......
If the pig is drawn to the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic. Towards the middle, you are realistic. Towards the bottom, you are pessimistic and have a tendency to behave negatively.
If the pig is facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly and remember dates (birthdays etc)Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you always remember dates.Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions
With lots of details, you are analytical, cautious and distrustful.With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk taker.
With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a period of major change.With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn and stick to your ideals. If you have drawn more than 4 legs, you are stupid.
The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the better.
The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life, and once again the longer, the better.....OK. who didn't draw a tail? ...
All About You Quiz
Write your answers down on a piece of paper…
No cheating…
1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex
2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, and
yellow
3. Your first initial
4. Name of a person of the same sex as yours
5. Your favorite number
6. Do you like California or Florida more?
7. Do you like the ocean or the lake more?
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is...
1) You are completely in love with this person.
2) if you chose:
red-You are alert and your life is full of love.
black-You keep mostly to yourself and you are very aggressive.
green-you are a relaxed and laid back person.
blue-you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the
ones you love.
yellow-you are a very happy person and you give good advice to
those who are down.
3) if your initial is:
A-K: you have lots of love and friendships in your life
L-R: you usually try to enjoy your life to the maximum
S-Z: you like helping others who are less fortunate than you
4) this person is one of your best friends.
5) this is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
6) if you chose:
California- you are up for adventure and usually hyper
Florida- you are a cool person who loves to party and chill
7) if you chose:
ocean- you are wild and spontaneous and like to please others.
lake- you are loyal to your friends and your lover and you are very
reserved
Scary Psychology Test
Nobody knows why this test works...
But somehow, it's scarily true - or just scary.
It only takes a few minutes … but beware of the outcome!
DON’T read ahead - just do it in order…..
First, write the numbers 1 to 11 in a list.
Then in the first and second spaces, fill in any two numbers you want
In the 3rd and 7th spaces, write down the names of members of the opposite sex (people that you know).
Write anyone’s name (like friends or family…) in the 4th, 5th and 6th spots
Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is...
The numbers in space 1 and space 2 are just a distraction. They don't mean anything.
The name in space 3 is the one you love
The person in 7 is the one you like but can’t workout
You care most about the person you put in 4
Number 5 is the one who knows you very well
The name is 6 is your lucky star
The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in 3
The title in 9 is the song for 7
The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind.
And 11 is the song that tells you how you feel about sex!!!
Personality Analysis
1. Do you have curly or straight hair?
2. Which one would you pick…A rose…or a sunflower?
3. Which do you like better…. Christmas or Valentine’s Day?
4. Do you like the color red, blue, or green?
5. Are you tall, medium or short?
6. Do you have glasses... or not?
7. What is your Favorite Day of the week?
8. When is your Birthday?
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is…
1. If your hair is..
curly…You are cute and playful
straight…You are sweet and kind
2. If you would pick a...
rose… You have a good but not a dull imagination
sunflower…You have a bright and colorful imagination
3. Which holiday you like more...
Christmas… You love getting stuff
Valentines Day… You love giving stuff
4. Which colour you like more...
blue…You have a bright future
red… Bright future, but not as bright as blue
green……Not a very bright future
5. If you are...
tall… You are dull but still fun
medium…You are ordinary but not dull
short…You are fun but crazy
6. If you...
wear glasses…You love to read
don't wear glasses…You hate to read
7. If your favourite day of the week is...
Monday…You love school or work
Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday…You don't have a social life
Friday or Saturday... You love to party
Sun…You are a religious/spiritual person
8. If you were born..
February or July… You are romantic
June or July… You love to goof
January or September…You are crazy and stupid
May or October…You are a joker
March or November…You are playful
April or Dec… You are talkative and sexy
Three Part Psychology Test
Arrange the following 5 animals according to your preference:
Your analysis is...
1. You are walking to your boyfriend/girlfriend's house. There are two roads to get there. One is a straight path which takes you there quickly, but is very plain and boring. The other is curvy and full of wonderful sights on the way, but takes quite a while to reach your loved one's house.
Which path do you choose? Short or long?
2. On the way, you see two rose bushes. One is full of white roses. One is full of red roses. You decide to pick 20 roses for your boyfriend/girlfriend.
What color combination do you choose?(Any combination including all one color is fine.)
3. You finally get to your boyfriend/girlfriend's house. You ring the bell and the maid answers. You can ask the maid to please get your loved one, or you may go get them yourself.
Which action do you take? Ask the maid or do it yourself?
4. Now, you go up to your girlfriend/boyfriends room. No one is there. You can leave the roses by the window sill, or on the bed.
Where do you put the roses? Bed or window?
5. Later, its time for bed. You and your loved one go to sleep, in separate rooms. You wake up in the morning, and go to your boyfriend/girlfriend's room to check up on him/her. You enter the room:
Is he/she awake or sleeping?
6. It's time to go home now, and you start to head back. You can take either road home now: The plain, boring one that gets you home fast; or the curvy, sight-filled road that you can just casually take your time with.
Which road do you choose? Short or long?
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is...
1. Which road do you choose to take to your love's house?
The roads represent your attitude towards falling in love. If you chose the short one, you fall in love quickly and easily.
If you chose the long one, you take your time and do not fall in love easily.
2. What combination of roses do you choose to give your love?
The number of red roses represent how much you expect to give in a relationship. The number of white roses represent how much you expect in a relationship. Therefore, if a person chose all red with one white, he/she gives 90% in the relationship but expects to receive only 10% back.
3. Do you ask the maid to get your love, or do you do it yourself?
This question shows your attitude in handling relationship problems. If you asked the maid to get your loved one, then you may beat around the bush, maybe asking a third party to intervene. Avoidance of problems runs high.
If you went and got your loved one yourself, then you are pretty direct. If there is a problem, you confront it and deal with it. You want to work it out right away.
4. Where do you put the roses? On the window sill or on the bed?
The placement of the roses indicates how often you'd like to see your boyfriend/girlfriend. Placing the roses on the bed means you need lots of reassurance in the relationship, and you'd want to see your loved one every day, if possible.
Placing the roses by the window show that you don't expect or need to see your loved one too often.
5. Do you find your love asleep or awake?
Finding your boyfriend/ girlfriend asleep: You accept your loved one the way they are.
Finding them awake: You expect him/her to change for you.
6. Which road do you choose to go home?
The short and long roads now represent how long you stay in love. If you chose the short one, you fall out of love easily.
If you chose the long one, you tend to stay in love for a long time
The River Against Love
A man (M) and a lady (L) who are very much in love and devoted to one another, are separated by a river with no way of getting across to the other side. On L's side of the river, there is a boatman (B) who is able to take her over to the other side of the river but refuses to do so unless she pays him $20, twice his normal fare. L has no money. Another man (S) then tells L that he will giver her $20 if she sleeps with him. L agrees to do so and on receiving the $20, pays B who takes her over to the other side of the river. She is reunited with M and they are very happy together. However, a friend of M (F) finds out what L did with S and immediately tells M. On learning the news, M finds L and ends things with her, stating that he wants nothing more to do with her. Your task is to rank these five people, M, L, B, S, and F, from best person to worst person.
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is...
M= morality
L= love
B= business/money
S= sex
F= friendship
Relational Psychology Test
1. You are walking in the woods. Who are you walking with?
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?
3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your Dream House. Describe its size.
5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining table. Describe what you see on AND around the table.
7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is the cup made of?
8. What do you do with the cup?
9. You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it?
10. How will you cross the water?
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is...
1. The person who you are walking with is the most important person in your life.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems. (passive/aggressive)
4. The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your ambition to resolve your problems.
5. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not to drop by unannounced.
6. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are generally unhappy.
7. The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person named in number 1. For example, Styrofoam, plastic, and paper are all disposable, Styrofoam, paper and glass are not durable, and metal and plastic are durable.
8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude towards the person in number 1. 9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.
Draw A Pig
Don't cheat by reading the whole thing first. It's hysterical if you do it right!
Get a blank piece of paper, draw a picture of a whole pig on it, not just the head, just a basic drawing though, don't spend too long on it...
DRAW THE PIG BEFORE YOU GO ON.
IF YOU DON'T THE TEST WILL NOT WORK
NO CHEATING
DRAW THE PIG FIRST
HAVE YOU DONE THE DRAWING??
IF NOT, DO IT NOW
IT IS REALLY FUNNY IF YOU DO IT RIGHT!
OK... NOW TO THE INTERESTING STUFF......
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is...
The pig drawing serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer.......
If the pig is drawn to the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic. Towards the middle, you are realistic. Towards the bottom, you are pessimistic and have a tendency to behave negatively.
If the pig is facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly and remember dates (birthdays etc)Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you always remember dates.Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions
With lots of details, you are analytical, cautious and distrustful.With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk taker.
With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a period of major change.With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn and stick to your ideals. If you have drawn more than 4 legs, you are stupid.
The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are. The bigger the better.
The length of the tail indicates the quality of your sex life, and once again the longer, the better.....OK. who didn't draw a tail? ...
All About You Quiz
Write your answers down on a piece of paper…
No cheating…
1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex
2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, and
yellow
3. Your first initial
4. Name of a person of the same sex as yours
5. Your favorite number
6. Do you like California or Florida more?
7. Do you like the ocean or the lake more?
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is...
1) You are completely in love with this person.
2) if you chose:
red-You are alert and your life is full of love.
black-You keep mostly to yourself and you are very aggressive.
green-you are a relaxed and laid back person.
blue-you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the
ones you love.
yellow-you are a very happy person and you give good advice to
those who are down.
3) if your initial is:
A-K: you have lots of love and friendships in your life
L-R: you usually try to enjoy your life to the maximum
S-Z: you like helping others who are less fortunate than you
4) this person is one of your best friends.
5) this is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
6) if you chose:
California- you are up for adventure and usually hyper
Florida- you are a cool person who loves to party and chill
7) if you chose:
ocean- you are wild and spontaneous and like to please others.
lake- you are loyal to your friends and your lover and you are very
reserved
Scary Psychology Test
Nobody knows why this test works...
But somehow, it's scarily true - or just scary.
It only takes a few minutes … but beware of the outcome!
DON’T read ahead - just do it in order…..
First, write the numbers 1 to 11 in a list.
Then in the first and second spaces, fill in any two numbers you want
In the 3rd and 7th spaces, write down the names of members of the opposite sex (people that you know).
Write anyone’s name (like friends or family…) in the 4th, 5th and 6th spots
Write down four song titles in 8, 9, 10 and 11
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is...
The numbers in space 1 and space 2 are just a distraction. They don't mean anything.
The name in space 3 is the one you love
The person in 7 is the one you like but can’t workout
You care most about the person you put in 4
Number 5 is the one who knows you very well
The name is 6 is your lucky star
The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in 3
The title in 9 is the song for 7
The tenth space is the song that tells you most about your mind.
And 11 is the song that tells you how you feel about sex!!!
Personality Analysis
1. Do you have curly or straight hair?
2. Which one would you pick…A rose…or a sunflower?
3. Which do you like better…. Christmas or Valentine’s Day?
4. Do you like the color red, blue, or green?
5. Are you tall, medium or short?
6. Do you have glasses... or not?
7. What is your Favorite Day of the week?
8. When is your Birthday?
(Scroll down for analysis.)
The analysis is…
1. If your hair is..
curly…You are cute and playful
straight…You are sweet and kind
2. If you would pick a...
rose… You have a good but not a dull imagination
sunflower…You have a bright and colorful imagination
3. Which holiday you like more...
Christmas… You love getting stuff
Valentines Day… You love giving stuff
4. Which colour you like more...
blue…You have a bright future
red… Bright future, but not as bright as blue
green……Not a very bright future
5. If you are...
tall… You are dull but still fun
medium…You are ordinary but not dull
short…You are fun but crazy
6. If you...
wear glasses…You love to read
don't wear glasses…You hate to read
7. If your favourite day of the week is...
Monday…You love school or work
Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday…You don't have a social life
Friday or Saturday... You love to party
Sun…You are a religious/spiritual person
8. If you were born..
February or July… You are romantic
June or July… You love to goof
January or September…You are crazy and stupid
May or October…You are a joker
March or November…You are playful
April or Dec… You are talkative and sexy
Three Part Psychology Test
Arrange the following 5 animals according to your preference:
Cow
Tiger
Sheep
Horse
Monkey
Write one word to describe each of the following:
Dog
Cat
Rat
Coffee
Ocean
Think of somebody (who also knows you) that you can relate to the following colors: (Please don’t repeat your answer twice. Name only one person for each color.)
Yellow
Orange
Red
White
Green
Your analysis is...
The order in which you place these animals reflect your priorities in life
Cow means career
Tiger means pride
Sheep means love
Horse means family
Monkey means money
Your description of Dog implies your own personality
Your description of Cat implies your partner’s personality
Your description of Rat implies your enemy’s personality
Your description of Coffee is how you interpret sex
Your description of Ocean implies your own life
Yellow - somebody who will never forget you
Orange - someone whom you can consider as your real friend
Red - someone you really love
White - your soulmate
Green - a person whom you will always remember for the rest of your life
OREO Cookie Test
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat
Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose
which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreo’s:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each
bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don’t have a favorite way because I don’t like Oreo.
(Scroll down for analysis.)
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to
be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You
are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their
children.
2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people
who eat their Oreo’s this very same way. Just like them, you lack
imagination, but that’s ok, not to worry, you’re normal.
3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You’re very tidy and orderly. You’re
very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the
point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out
of the fast lane if you’re only going to go the speed limit
4. Feverish Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly.
You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do
them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium
and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like
to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations
into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call
a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in
breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always
able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of
your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong.
You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal,
behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take
what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean,
and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But
that’s ok, you don’t care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional
medical help - immediately.
10. I don’t have a favorite way, I don’t like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice
things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy
about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right.
You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There’s just no
pleasing you.
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